Our romance, which began brewing with magical beer under mild German Sun and in the company of pink skinned Germans, has now ended with me sitting in my apartment living room alone, indoors, inside the United States. I would be lying if I said that I have stopped thinking of you. You charmed me with your outdoorsy and wonderfully social nature. You excited me with your medieval cities and castles. You impressed me with your efficiencies and highways. And secretly, I fell in love with your love for order, discipline and your penchant for incessant rules. I miss the tastier restaurants. I miss the pace of our evenings get together. I miss your chocolates; un cleaned vegetables and reasonably sized fruits. I miss my moments of embarrassment over broken German. I miss being a foreigner. I miss rehearsing lines before walking into the doctor’s office. But our time together will never be forgotten. Be it a summer whirlwind romance or relationship that almost was, these past three months constituted one my best summer’s of recent times…
And now that I am here, slowly some of these fresher memories will fade. My face that was perked up constantly will develop the stagnant North American glaze. My steps that felt so light on your soil will gain weight walking miles. Fresh breads will morph into Jimmy John Sandwiches, chickens will double in size and pork consumption will drop in half.
I am here now. Celebrating the five year mark in a country where I thought that would take much longer. Sorry India, I can no longer realistically and thoroughly represent you. I am still entirely your citizen but I doubt if I have the capacity to make my way through unruly crowds; to skip on forks and knives before beginning a meal; to disobey all published rules.
At the same time, I know without a doubt, USA, that I will never be able to represent you. The harder t’s and R’s in my pronunciation will never vanish. My body hair will always uncover my true nationality. I will continue raising prudent eyebrows at unconventional families and marvel at 17 yr old independent young adults.
That leaves me slightly homeless on our five year anniversary. Let us just leave at that.
It’s a struggle Dush. I’ve always felt so, even within the confines of what I could potentially call mine. Sometimes I fail to understand what defines us better, the permanency or whirlwind romances which duely expire.
Maybe it is, as you say best to just leave at that.
ha ha…not after what i felt on one of your pics in facebook…u still look fully desi in that..whether u leave it at being “the permanency or whirlwind romances which duely expire” or not…!!….any which ways.i am sure it’s still better being a citizen of 2 countries than 1…
Upasna: The question is not how we should define ourselves but when do we start need to? 5 years ago, i did not even need to determine true belonging and now I cant help but try each day.
Mukund: Yup. You are right, when it comes down to it I much rather prefer food fried in street oil.
Yeah Dushyant, I feel that way too.. it’s unfortunate that we have to make these kind of choices.. The innate ‘indian-ness’ in us will never die.. I only hope we are always welcome when we return home..
🙂 I started this pretty early. As a child I was fantastically excited one night to travel to India 🙂
The feeling which many Indians go the US or any other country was articulated very well. Hopefully the lines will blur enough for you to feel at home completely in one place.
Ups: And then?
White magpie: Thanks for visiting. I am certain many other Indians feel the same way as I do. The lines are already blur, I am just secretly defining them.
And then I came across the genie crisis, I didn’t know what to wish for any longer 🙂
I acutally came here from your pa’s blog. Does he check his email regularly? I had dropped in a line on his latest article.
Hey,
Nice collage! Didnt realise you left. Sorry about not managing to come visit. Have been travelling as usual and putting in 90 hr weeks. The only week I had off, my girlfriend claimed. But its nice to know you had a good time. Come back soon.
On being homeless: Why care as long as youre happy?