Somewhere, between my campus and my apartment I changed. It was as if during my thirteen minute walk home in the sultry snow I lost myself and found a new Dushyant.
It’s not right for me to blame America and I am not doing that. Yet, somewhere she did the most damage. But then again, why call it damage?
Indifferent! In-efficient! Too broke to be sad and too sad to be rich? A lost wanderer at best…
Dislike of most people around, some through mutual admonishment. A drying faucet of friendships and caking/flaking of relationships over phone cards and high speed internet. My fault entirely but I have lost ability to care. Sorry. I really want to get that back.
A day when I dressed down to a pair of slippers, loose denim and a white branded polo shirt and I thought of myself as well dressed. Just like the some other day I asked someone how they were doing and walked on without listening to their answer. There have been more days like this when more then just accents changed. When an attitude cloaked over..I might have opened the door for an elderly but I took some family elder’s for granted.
I have also been proud of the rate at which I have been picking up from the Yankees. So fast that I could not realize that I could never fit in? Was I too fast to realize all that I left behind and too late to slow down? I am reminded of a running dog on a slippery wooden floor suddenly braking on his paws to avoid a closing door. I really want to laugh at this recollection but I cant, I am that frictionless dog.
Once a staunch Indian who could not stop ridiculing the size of American dimes being smaller then the lower denominated nickels and other idiocracies and now a changed brown skinned Indian leaning towards a pro American dweller. Why do I find myself drawn into debates that involve Indians bashing America? Why should I care? Surely, I must believe that this country gave me something.
A used Honda Accord at age 23? A Mazda Rx – 8 test-drive? A Pontiac G6 V6 for a rental? An Ipod? A much comfortable bed? Cleaner, drier and better smelling restrooms? Crowd free roads and cities? A laptop? A digital camera? Red Hot Chicago style hot dogs? Three month duration to bring my design from creation to production? Skydiving? Formula one twice? Stunning Cities? Express? Gap? Starbucks? Fall colors?
Theoretically being able to buy a Lotus Elise?
Fucking ridiculous hope of working for a car company?
Plenty of opportunities to over dramatize?
No. That can’t be it.
My best answer at this point is that it showed me that it’s OK to term ‘giving up’ as ‘letting go’.
Once I have that perfected, really, what can stop me from being happy?
(That was merely rhetoric; I know the correct answer is the wrong one)
Aren’t you approaching it the wrong way? You never opened your heart to a country that, as you admit, opened its doors to you albeit conditionally – expecting only that you give your best academically and then professionally. Now some of the comforts – material and otherwise are making you feel differently. Why is ‘letting go’ synonymous with ‘giving up’? Why is it ‘letting go’ at all? Loving or respecting your adopted land does not mean that you give up loving your motherland. Au contraire , this is one place where polygamy isn’t the worst thing you can do.
I’m an Indian who respects this country and all it has given me, and have argued with other Indians about the anti-US attitude. I still care enough about India, which means that I spend twice as much time on reading news both from India and the US, and fretting over the futures of both countries.
Here’s hoping you find your happy middle ground.
Well said. I do realize the post sounded like I am blaming America for the change in me while in reality I meant that I changed in America. In any case, just like you, I too respect what she has given and have defended all baseless anti US arguements. What I was mostly fretting about is that change that’s becoming me, though most of it was rhetoric.
Thanks for dropping by. I appreciate your comment.
Well said. I do realize the post sounded like I am blaming America for the change in me while in reality I meant that I changed in America. In any case, just like you, I too respect what she has given and have defended all baseless anti US arguements. What I was mostly fretting about is that change that’s becoming me, though most of it was rhetoric.
Thanks for dropping by. I appreciate your comment.
eye donation camp started already?
hehe…nah not really…not unless i realize that seeing makes things worse
I guess it is important to understand that you have to give back to your country what it has given to you. This would be in either monetary form or as a service. AID does amazing projects that you could give a hand to. These little things go a long way.
However, america is a very materialistic country. Dont let that blinden you!
defended all baseless anti US arguements.
hmmmmmmmm.
defended all baseless anti US arguements.
hmmmmmmmm.
defended all baseless anti US arguements.
hmmmmmmmm.
defended all baseless anti US arguements.
hmmmmmmmm.
defended all baseless anti US arguements.
hmmmmmmmm.
o lord!sorry for all the 4 xtra comments!!
i told u blogspot sucks.hmmmphhh.
LJ is way better.
now again, dnt start on this all over again.:P 😛 😛
maybe the america in your mind is not the america we are in. Let people defend their own reasons for loving her or hating her. find your own reasons to be here or not. They are places india and US one can be happy living in either. As for me i think for my mental make-up i feel an outsider here.i have seen some people becoming americanized(did you notice the z??) while some people become more india…….its awesome.
hey ash! Wow you really clicked enter pretty hard! Anyways, i am glad you like LJ better…to each one his own!
Its not about letting the country change you…its more about you realising the change… its not bad to accept the change pleasantly… its about not letting you completely lose your identity… its about searching your true self which may not be in India at all or not even here…
you can be truly in love with something most only when you live away from it; but when you realise that u are drifting away.. all u gotta do then is hold back… let the tide get to you… but dont let it sway you away!!!
Interesting to note all the perspectives on my grumpy aftrenoon post. Did not really mean to find a right or wrong anywhere in there, but i guess the eternal quest for a balance and peace will continue. Komal, you came close with your views though i found it consisting one oxymoron too many!
Dushyant, the very first anonymous poster was me. I dunno why I posted anonymously – thought I’d come clean this time around:-)
I’ve found a lot of people saying that America is a materialistic society. My personal perception is that it is a very achievement-oriented society. Most people tend to measure achievement by money, and that is what drives them. Others find other activities to keep them going.
The best thing about the US for me has been the fact that it is genuinely the ‘land of the free’. I personally find less constraints here on a lot of things – big and small, because you have your own space – more so than in India.
This does lead to isolation if you aren’t aggressively social as a person. If you aren’t willing to call a few dozen people to get together and do something on a weekend, you’ll end up home alone blogging 🙂
Hey Ajay,
First things first, you are AJAY from coep of the 2400 fame right? if yes, good to hear from you!
Good comments too. I found myself agreeing which is pretty rare since i learned the power of opinions.
I guess, perhaps, you made most sense when you coined the term of being “aggressive social”.
Oh well…keep visiting
Hey, Michelin’s finally giving refunds for Indy plus a free ticket for 2006. Hope you are less peeved.
u have got great eyes dush !!! 🙂
well i think america has changed u quite a bit…but if thats the way u like it…it must be for the best !!
Dushyant,
Yes, that would be me. My fifteen minutes of fame :-). I think I found your blog via Sumeet’s.
Priya: Thank you for the compliment. Yes, everything is wonderful now!
Ajay: Hehhe..good to be in touch again. Keep visiting, dont think i can make any dents on your highly technical blog!