bleh bleh black sheep, have you any good?

coagulate vs collage

I am dusting the cobwebs off this blog. In August I was waxing eloquent about my car’s anniversary, on a relative high. Thereafter I have struggled to come to this blog with any kind of desire.

I wish lethargy was the straightforward reason for my lack of writing. But between the hours and months, lay a new kind of life that I have been struggling to get used to. It is an adult-like life that rolls in the highs and lows with such frequency that it doesn’t seem worth the effort to get excited or to waddle in the pain.
We spent a nice weekend on Lake Michigan and then headed home for two short weeks. With reduced time in India that I couldn’t really spend much time on my constant tirade of being a stranger at home. With reduced time, drama didn’t stand a chance. Especially when rushing to the airport was involved. Yet, the two weeks were full of family, friends and a sense of inherent belonging. Returning to a cold Michigan was perhaps a best way of saying good bye to an eventful summer that took the both of us for a ride.

So what were the lows? The busyness of our lives helped me tremendously by not letting me dwell on them. But there were these nagging thought of nothingness or very littleness. These thoughts struck me on longer runs but the endorphins keep them at bay. They hit me at night but I squashed them with the fear of not waking up early enough. Between those bookends, my mind was riddled with the monotonous nature of chasing a moon shot (automated driving).

If I were to get to the point, it would boil down to aging without a cause and the denial that comes with the late thirties. The peak, the prime, the apex of life isn’t really at the mid-point. The graph isn’t symmetric. There might be more area under the curve but it is largely technical debt and a collection of what could have been. Even the delusion of greatness that I fuel with unbridled over-estimation of my abilities is dwindling now in the wake of the 12 hr work-days and un-read emails.

Am I out of moves? Can I count on my opponent (I still haven’t figured out who that is – Chance?) to make a mistake. And further, would I be able to see the opening that has been given to me? Would I be able to re-charge? How many more times can I reset? Is reset nothing but more of a return from hibernation? I might not have completely given up on myself but I certainly don’t have any answers.

I landed here, in this predicament on my accord. I said yes when I should have said no. I said no when I should I have said maybe. I said maybe when I should I have said yes. I was slow with decisions, quick with actions and average with reactions. I aimed for better than average and I am now struggling to stay there. I fought mediocrity with mediocre means. I lost some weight but the face stayed puffed. I am tired but restless. I am awake but dazed. I am happy, but just.

Hopefully, Ferrari wins this weekend. It sucks to bet on the wrong prancing horse.